How to be more assertive—without being ‘rude’ or ‘aggressive’

“Using ‘I’ statements is always a winning tactic to communicate your needs clearly without waffling,” Dr. Shabazz says. Try: “In the future, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t cancel so last second,” instead of “Sorry to be a nag, but would you be able to give me a heads up next time?” Or, “Actually, I’d prefer to split the bill based on what we each ordered” versus “Maybe we could divide it this way? I don’t know—up to you!”

3. Resist the urge to overexplain

It’s easy to feel like you need a laundry list of justifications to stand your ground. However, both experts say it’s okay (encouraged, even) to keep your response short, sweet and to the point. “Overexplaining can actually dilute your message, make you seem less assertive and invite room for debate, pushback and negotiation,” Dr. Rubenstein says. “Being concise, on the other hand, reinforces that your choice is firm.”

So rather than offering a long-winded reason for turning down a blind date (because you don’t find them attractive, you’re still getting over your ex, you’re already seeing someone), try, “I’m not available, but thank you for asking.” Or if you want your doctor to suggest more alternatives to some scary-sounding medication, simply say “I’d like to know about my other options,” rather than, “Oh, I’m not sure…. I’ve read some scary stuff on Reddit….” The less you justify, the more final your statement sounds.

4. Blend your assertiveness with a touch of positivity

On that note…being concise doesn’t mean being a total jerk either. If flat-out saying “no” or “I want this” feels overwhelming or curt (especially with a close friend, colleague or family member), Dr. Rubenstein suggests “softening” your assertiveness by adding a positive twist at the end. For example, expressing gratitude—“I’m going to leave soon, but I had a great time!”—can help you get your point across kindly without watering down your message, she says.

Another option? Dr. Shabazz suggests offering an alternative. So instead of bluntly responding with, “Nah, I’m good,” you can say what you are willing to do: “I can’t babysit your kids this weekend, but I can watch them for a few hours on Friday night,” or, “I won’t be drinking alcohol, but I’ll still hang with you at the bar.” That way, you’re being clear about your boundaries—and without burning any bridges.

5. Don’t interpret discomfort as proof you did something wrong

Guilt—that nagging Ugh, I feel bad. Did I screw up?—is a powerful force that can make asserting yourself feel like a bad thing. However, “it’s a natural response when you set boundaries,” Dr. Rubenstein explains—not proof that you’re being selfish or unkind. “It’s simply your alarm system reacting to change,” especially if you’re not used to prioritising yourself.